Skim for the Pictures

Dear Sentry,

Today I wish to talk about my love life (or lack of it). My poor wife has already heard enough of this comedic aspect of my life. I will somehow refrain from making this letter a real tear-jerker and focus on the real emotion you should feel from this: humor. So, wife, if you're reading this...dear god, I pray for your soul.

I'd like to view my love life as a work in progress, Sentry. A real fixer-upper, if you will. I don't say that with any woe-is-me sentiment. I will not be dropping to my knees tonight praying that my life were otherwise. Why? Cause I love my life as it is: for all the good and bad. I have great friends though sometimes they do the strangest things. For example, I used to believe that I was a cuddle slut. The first time I knew I had met the lady that would be my wife was when she cuddled with my bum. Yes, a frightening story, Sentry: a lesbian making contact with a gay man's ass. But that's how I knew we were meant to be husband and wife (please note I did not write married). I would cuddle with anything or anyone, almost: man, woman, dog, cat, pillow, even a stuffed animal. Hell, I've done all of that, Sentry. And I'm right proud of it. Cuddling is fun! Except when people put their hands down my shirt to touch my chest. I always have to turn to them and be like, "Enjoying my moobs?" That usually stops them but it's this awkward moment where I have to remind people that this man's skin need not be touched while actually cuddling. But that's a story for another time.

But I have discovered that I'm evidently lame in my cuddling when it comes to my friends. I am put to shame in my cuddling by them. For them, cuddling is practically a religious experience. If there is a cuddling god (albeit one major lazy god), these are some of his/her/it's most devoted followers. They are equal opportunity cuddlers, I've discovered, Sentry. In one regaling story of cuddling, men and women essentially were lumped together in a massive cuddle session. Clearly, I have been out-cuddled. Straight, bi, and lesbian men and women have gathered in this. Ah, Sentry, I am vanilla in my cuddling. Have I lost my...edginess? Will I ever triumph over their mass cuddling?

In other news, I'm quite the catch, Sentry! I know, it caught me off guard too when I discovered this. You'd think my lack of consistently shaving my facial hair would have turned them away in droves, but evidently not. But, back to the story. Yes, I'm quite the catch, Sentry. Well...I'm quite the catch for men old enough to be my grandfather. I write this with a bit of an addition, Sentry. I have no issue or problem with guys that are interested in inter-generational dating. More power to them, I say. What? You're eighteen and attracted to a fifty year old? Cool. It's just not my thing. But, back to the story, Sentry. I'm quite the catch, evidently. A man, nearly seventy years old, was recently chatting me up and requesting that we hang out at his place. Now I may not be the most savvy gay man in the world. God knows, and my friend, that I have little to no fashion sense. But still, I am the man that every, er, older man dreams of. So, to make this story short and stop meandering, I politely explained my concern over our age difference. The man chose to not pay attention to this comment and kept on talking to me. Yes, Sentry, the man would not take no for an answer. I politely explained three times to him that I just wasn't interested. Four if you count the fact that a year ago he hit me up as well, but that's neither here nor there. He finally took the hint and now we no longer talk. That's the latest news in my romance life.

Oh, the last sentence was a lie. I've been crushing on a guy recently, Sentry. Yes, I realize this is nothing new. I believe that my brain insists that I crush on someone regularly. As soon as I get over someone, suddenly I'm interested in another person. You'd think my hormones would catch on that I'm just not really interested in dating...but when has my body, let alone other people, ever listened to me? So, yes, I like another person. And like all comedies, we are mismatched in being able to find time to even possibly go on a date. That and I'm odd. See, I am a chatterbox as you already know so well, Sentry. Can't shut me up normally. Yet around him, I cannot bring myself to breach the topic of us going on a date so all I can do is be a cheerleader for him in his dating life. I can't help but laugh, Sentry. Here I am, tongue-tied over this guy and still playing the supporting role of wanting to know how the three dates he has this week with three different guys goes over. Do I hope things go well? Of course. And I hope they fail...because I want a chance, ha ha! Ah well, I say this to myself: Courage, get off your ass and come over here. I need you for a moment or two. I might succeed in getting up the nerve to ask him out. Wish me luck...maybe, Sentry?

That's the state of my love life. If I ever had my life portrayed as a movie, I'd ask for it to be as a comedy. Tragedy would be too dull, but comedy would put a nice spin on things. I mean, really now, who wants to see a "Woe is me" about...well, me? I don't. I'd rather portray the ironies of my life, the oddities of my family, the petty and silly acts I have committed throughout my life, and the bumbling efforts at romance and love on my part. It would be sheer comedy! Now, I've shared it all for now, Sentry. No, don't be an ass and tell me things will get better. They will or won't. It doesn't matter now. Things are good now. That's what matters to me.

Your friend,
Traveler

A Goal for the Summer

Dear Sentry,

I made a goal for the summer just a few weeks back. It was to watch a gay/transgender or drag queen/lesbian movie a week. Because of that I have gained a new appreciation for movies that explore the LGBT theme. It has led me to want to understand even more about transgender issues. Sentry, I have grown to appreciate, even if only a tiny bit, the desire that all of us have to live our lives with dignity. I've only completed one rotation of this. This week starts the new rotation. But I will share with you the movies that I have watched and a few of my thoughts on the movies.

 

Summer Storm

Summer Storm was incredibly dramatic. I first watched this when I was a freshman in college. I was still in the closet so watching it touched too near the heart on how I felt about coming out. When I watched it this summer, several years after coming out, I felt a sense of relief. Then I was able to notice and appreciate the beauty of the film itself. I really did like it, Sentry. But it's still very drama-y, ha ha!

Kinky Boots

I love this movie. There's just something about the character Lolla that you can't help but admire, Sentry. I believe its her strength in the face of cruelty, hatred, and a refusal to treat her as an equal. I loved it because of her mostly. I really can't wait to watch more movies this summer during the weeks that I watch draq queens, transvestite, and/or transgender films. It was clever and funny at the same time. 

 

The Kids Are All Right

The movie was practically perfect. Why? The characters were believable to me. It was believable that they loved each other and were a family. I loved how the characters interacted and dealt with the problems that they faced. It was just amazing! I loved the acting in this movie! The Kids Are All Right has become one of my favorite movies now. 

The Broken Hearts Club

This movie won't be shown yet. I watched it in advance while decided whether to show it this week or A Single Man. I love this movie for all the humor and actors that I recognized. I loved that the movie focused on post-coming out lives. As much as I enjoy a good "coming out" film, I do like ones that explore life beyond that. This is one of those movies where you can sit back and laugh and still feel it speaks to you on an emotional level too. 

A Single Man

I watched this movie yesterday for the first time in my life. I confess, it stole my breath away. I fell in love with the music, the story, and the cinematography. It was breathtaking and made you smile and cry throughout the whole movie. I couldn't stop watching it! And by the end of the movie, I was just stunned. I literally called up a friend after, Sentry, just to gush about how amazing the movie was. I haven't watched a new film like that in a long time. Most films I've watched recently that were for the first time (except for Kinky Boots) have not really impressed me. They have been "bleh." But this movie made me pause and fall in love with it. Sentry, I highly recommend this film to you. If you have never seen this movie, do so now. You won't regret it, I promise that!

So there, Sentry. I have shared my goal for this summer. I love it so far! I can't wait to watch more films. I thought I would share with you some of the movies that will be on the list for this summer. If you have any that you recommend, I'd love to know, Sentry. Thanks :)

Gay:

Presque Rien (Come Undone)

8: The Mormon Proposition

Transgender/Drag Queen/Transvestite:

Pageant

Boys Don't Cry

Lesbian:

Imagine Me and You

But I'm a Cheerleader

Your friend,

Traveler

And finally, a song from A Single Man:

 

Important Life Lessons...or Something Like That

Dear Sentry,

Last night I went clubbing. I had managed to convince a number of my atheist friends to go clubbing with me last night and from all appearances everyone seemed to have a good time. Yet while dancing, I could not help but reflect on lessons I had learned from clubbing. So I thought I would share them with you, Sentry.

1. If you are a straight guy at a gay club looking for girls to dance with....just stop. You're creepy and you're frightening the girls there.

2. If given the opportunity to dance with a drag queen, take it. Always.

3. There is a reason why there are cages for people to dance in: to creepers out.

This requires a short story, Sentry. This guy was dancing in the cage at the club last night. Outside the cage was a man that was just creepy dancing all over the cage on the outside. Moral of the story, the poor boy in the cage was safe by only the fact the man couldn't fit through the bars to get to him.

4. Underwear is a perfectly acceptable outfit to dance in.

5. Lesbians are your best line of defense. Always.

6. Going clubbing without my wife makes me sad :(

Beauty Part 2

Dear Sentry,

I apologize for the long pause between this letter and the previous one. School has been busy and lots of stress decided to attack me all in one go but that's how life is. If it's gonna rain, it'll pour, ha ha!

So since writing the previous letter to you on my thoughts on beauty, I have decided to focus this letter on what is ugly to me. I don't really think you can fully talk about beauty until you address what is ugly, Sentry. I mean, it's all fine and good to discuss what catches and pleases the eye and mind, but how about what doesn't? I think that it's a good idea to talk about what is not appealing in order to better understand yourself. I hope I don't sound cocky or arrogant in this letter, Sentry. It's not my intention to do so or even remotely come across as that.

What is ugly to me has four major characteristics: arrogance, cruelty, vanity, and a certain type of coercion through the use of guilt. Arrogance, vanity, and cruelty are fairly obvious. So I won't dwell on what they are but rather why I find them unattractive. Arrogance and vanity are an emphasis on the self at the expense of those around the person. I find that so ugly because why would I want to be with someone whose only interest is in them? My experience with arrogant and vain people is that they are friends with you for the most part to use you. I find this utterly ugly. Cruelty is something I just don't want to be around. I can forgive accidental or unintentional cruelty but I cannot forgive deliberate cruelty. Such an act by a person ruins any desire on my part to want to be around them, Sentry, or think they are beautiful. I hate cruelty that's intended to cause harm in another person. A cruel person is truly ugly just as an arrogant or a vain person is to me.

The last characteristic requires a bit of explanation. I fully admit that there are people that are victims in this world, Sentry. We all, at times, can be victims in different situations. That is both understandable and expected. I have only compassion and sympathy for victims. However, I find it truly offensive and ugly when someone uses that sympathy or compassion by twisting it into guilt to force another person to pursue a romantic relationship with them. Using things that you dislike about yourself or others have made you feel a victim over to coerce another person into dating you is ugly to me. Whether they understand what they are doing or not, is not important to me, Sentry. I find it repulsive to do that. If I want to date a person, I want to because I think they are beautiful and not out of pity or sympathy. So, that's why I find this one ugly. It's betraying me when a person does that. Unfortunately, I have had people do this to me, Sentry, but thankfully I have learned that I don't want that in my life.

I need to add an asterisk to the previous sentence by saying that I am not one to want to describe a person as ugly. I would rather avoid such descriptions by saying anything but that about the person. But I admit that if I am going to define ugliness, that I have to think I have met people that were truly this, and that I will continue to meet them.

And that's all I want to say on this, Sentry! Have a good night!

Your friend,
Traveler

Beauty Part 1

Dear Sentry,

The days continue to speed on, Sentry. I can't wait to graduate. I've had fun but I know that it's time for me to move on. Ever have one of those days where you're sick and tired of all that you see around you, Sentry? You feel in the very depths of your being a restlessness and yearning that cannot be quenched by the daily routines and the negativity that exists where you are? No amount of pacifying can ever full quell this yearning that has seeped into every fiber and ounce of your being, eclipsing your very soul? That's how I feel. These past two years have felt like a transitional period and now I'm ready to make that transition is complete. I'm through with being an incomplete being waiting to fully live while pretending I'm nothing more than a dumb beast to be guided and herded about.

(You can never go wrong with a picture of Hugh Jackman)

But enough of that. That day is still some time away and there are other subjects I'd rather talk with you about, Sentry. I want to talk about beauty in this letter and two more. So what do you think makes a person beautiful? Do you prefer blonds or brunettes? Red heads? Do you prefer taller or shorter, bigger or smaller? Aggression or meekness? Adventurous or easy-going? I do not speak of polar opposites but rather of different spectra. What is beautiful for you? Does the body matter more than the mind or matter absolutely over the feelings and thoughts of another person or vice versa? Is youth the only thing that can claim the title of beauty or even old age?

I've thought of this recently and, because it gives me the excuse to post pictures, I want to post pictures of people and ask you, Sentry, to think: what do you find as beautiful?

(I think she is the most beautiful based off her eyes alone)

Do any of those individuals meet your definition of beauty? I have found that I have to separate beauty into different categories. Individuals that I can only visually interact with (stars, strangers on the street, etc.) I will rate purely on a physical basis. Do they possess a vitality or vigorous nature that exudes charisma? I find that beautiful. Slender and bigger people can be beautiful to me if they possess an energy that captivates you. Simply having youthful looks and such isn't always enough though I will always admit that someone is handsome or pretty if they have flawless skin, a dazzling smile, or clearly take care of themselves. But it's not really enough for me

What qualifies as beauty to us when it comes to people? I mean, we all come in different shapes and sizes. It's easy to say that everyone is beautiful in their own special way and I think that's the better answer, but society isn't as mature as that. Youth, slender to muscular build are all characteristics that give a person the description of beautiful. Society's views on what is aesthetic or beautiful changes with the times, as history shows us, but I think there will always be more to it and that beauty is truly a timeless concept.

Sentry, I think beauty lies in the harmony of the different characteristics of a person. Beauty lies in the ability to mix the mind, heart, and body together in a way that expresses beauty in a unique way. Beauty is truly achieved when a person discovers and finds comfort in the expression of exactly who they are, whoever they are be they lovers of science-fiction books and films; ever aware and on the cutting edge of fashion; politically savvy; expressive in the arts; gifted in languages; sophisticated with words or numbers and equations; and so on.

Beauty, I think is on a base level connected to sexual attraction, but on a higher level a recognition of the more positive aspects of the human soul. I think older people, little kids, teenagers, young adults, and middle aged are all beautiful. I think individuals and couples are beautiful regardless of the gender of their partners or how they express their sexuality. So, I ask you, Sentry, are couples beautiful?

I realize this letter is somewhat vague and all of the place. I'll get to my point in the question: what qualifies as beautiful to you? You already know my opinion. I think each individual above is either beautiful or has the potential to be. Beauty to me is, as said before, the totality of all the parts of a person. Enjoy your day, Sentry.

Your friend,
Traveler

Late Night Thoughts

Dear Sentry,

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this letter to you tonight. It's late and I'm tired. That typically influences my thinking in negatives ways, ha ha! So, I will make sure this letter remains optimistic and hopeful. I've been thinking a lot about how I see the world and how it is influenced by those around me.

I confess to being a flight risk. I get to a point in life where I just want to leave wherever I'm at and start all over some place new. I want to cut off all ties to the past and just start afresh. I blame this on the fact that my family seemed to move every few years; then I served a mission where every every few months I'd change locations; and finally on college where I've lived in six different places over the past four years. Ha ha, I clearly don't know what it means to settle down! But I'm young, right? I'm supposed to yearn to travel, ha ha!

What holds me back are the friendships that I make. However, strangely, not because they bind me to them but because I feel needed. I react in two ways, I constantly am searching for a substitute for me while also doing all I can to have fun, be there for them, and just make the person's days bright or their darker days a little brighter. Not surprisingly, this undermines my original efforts, Sentry, ha ha!

I've noticed a few things these past few weeks about how I act. When I am sad or struggling to get through feelings that I don't want, I will still make myself available to others that need me. Even when I need to get through feelings, either negative or positive, towards a person, I will still be by their side in support while hurting inside. I'm sure I'm not alone on this one, though. Do you have any experiences like this, Sentry? In those instances, I want to say to the person that asks for my time, "No, I'm busy" or "I hate you, leave me alone." But I can't bear the thought of not being there for someone that needs help. I never wish bad things upon people that have hurt me, Sentry. Rather, I wish that they find a way to improve their lives and experience much joy and success in it. I find it difficult to truly hate someone even when I want so desperately to hate them that I can feel that desire screaming in my mind. I just can't because it will not make better and will only bring me down and those around me too.

Tonight, Sentry, I noticed that I was doing it again. This time with my wife. You should meet her. She's beautiful in every way and I don't think she realizes it. Standing back, I see how anyone that meets her becomes captivated by her beauty, intelligence, and humor. She is wonderful in so many ways. Everyone that meets her wants to be friends with her and I'm glad. I want her to be the center of attention! So this person invited me to a party and asked specifically for her to come along. I jokingly said that if he just wanted her, I could drop her off. At the same time, though, it's still very much in line with my attitude. I didn't want him to feel like he had to invite me just because he wanted her there. As odd as it sounds, I think, I see her as my better half at this point in my life and I like that, honestly, Sentry. If you knew her, you'd agree.

Now, I don't mean to see that I'm inferior, stupid, or pathetic. Hardly that. I have many positive attributes and gifts and I am grateful for them and love them. I am not trying to put myself down in anyway in this letter, but rather reflect upon my flight risk attitude. Tonight, I believe she would be better than me at what I wish to see happen in the world. I only wish she could know that she doesn't need me to talk to others. She isn't as awkward as she thinks. She would be the center of attention in any gathering of people just for who she is. That's how amazing she is!

On another note, a friend that I'm struggling to feel ok about, has asked to hang out. I want to say no and confess that I feel hurt by something he did to me but I know that I just need time to work through it. I wanted to tell him no and that I wanted to just run away from the whole situation and be juvenile in my approach but instead I told him yes but that I would be busy over these next few weeks. Honestly, I'm not really prepared to hang out with him right now. It would be too painful for me. So I'm grateful I have a legitimate excuse. Yet I know that if he needed me, I would ignore how I feel and be by his side. I hope that's just normal, Sentry. I want to believe that's just how adults are with their lives. You suck it up, so to speak. So, Sentry, if I'm just whining about what people do every day, feel free to tell me. But if I'm not, let me know.

So, Sentry, I've babbled quite enough for one night. I will actually post this I think because it praises my wife!

Your friend,
Traveler

P.S. To lighten the mood, a video that has had me laughing all day today (yes, Sentry, I've watched it a lot). It is South Park, though, so if you're easily offended, I wouldn't watch it if I were you.

Quirks

Dear Sentry,

I'm in an odd mood! So to celebrate that I thought I'd write about some of my oddities, numbering in no particular order:

1. My ideal footwear is one sock on one foot and no sock on the other. I feel off-balance until I am wearing my socks like that but think others doing it is weird.

2. When making blog posts, if I have pictures I have to have both men and women or else I feel like my post isn't complete.

3. An old roommate used to refer to me as the "spiritual atheist."

4. I am a night owl and a morning person :(

5. I love to hug and touch people but do not like it when someone else tries to hug or touch me first
5a. there are a strange few people that I don't freak out when they touch me...there's no rhyme or reason behind why particularly them.

6. I love being interrupted in my work by little kids and pestered by friends.

7. If you break my heart, I will hate you for it but will swallow my pain and anger to help you out on anything.

8. I absolutely hate having people do anything for me if it's out of obligation. I have been known to cancel dates, hanging out with friends, and given people excuses to get out of doing anything for my birthday just to avoid being in a situation where the other person feels they are obligated to be with me.

9. I love to debate pointless things.

10. I think it's cute when a dog licks a person's face but will never let the dog lick my face.

11. I love "Your mom" and "That's what she said" jokes.

12. I love teddy bears but only from the Gund company thanks to my little brother.

13. I will cry over random things.

14. Lastly: I love, love, LOVE sushi!!!

I hope you have a good day, Sentry :)

Your friend,
Traveler

Everyone Loves a Lesbian!

Dear Sentry,

I apologize for my all too common disappearances. This past month has, with yearly regularity, both disabled and enabled me to continue on with life. It disabled me with the all too familiar melancholy of that comes this time of year accompanied by deep soul-searching that has enabled me to renew my desire to experience life in all its beauty and wonder.

In other words, Sentry, I'm back!!! And to celebrate my return, I share a few couple videos that my wife shared with me, ha ha! Warning, they might be offensive to some people.

The first video made me laugh out loud so hard that it's rapidly become one of my favorite videos! In other happy news, my wife and I are in a domestic partnership now on Facebook (official, right?) and because I asked her to be in it, Facebook told her that she's my boyfriend! This is the second time I've had a female boyfriend but she is by far the best! Love you, wife!

I really didn't have any point in talking to you, Sentry, aside from sharing clips and not having a point in doing it. I confess that I miss you. And have so many posts to complete and put up. I hope you day goes well!

Your friend,
Traveler