Tuesday, February 23, 2010

As Natural as a Fish in Water

Arch Nemesis,

Yesterday when I booed at your traitorous deeds, I succeeded in getting the common folk to join in. Our thunderous (or more like scattered) anger towards you cowed you into silence even if for only a moment. Now sure, you may say that such was not the case. It was all in good fun. Perhaps. Perhaps, indeed, my arch nemesis. But perhaps not! Perhaps the people are well aware of your nefarious deeds. See you for the darkness that is you!

Certainly it was not because I started it and they thought it was funny. No, the people are much smarter than that. They most certainly did not see a good time in my honest and just strike against you. They definitely were not booing you because of your abandoning this church group, or ward, to fulfill your terribly boring lusts (such as fiddling with computers and awkwardly asking girls out before avoiding them). And they most certainly did not encourage you to come back with listening to your message and then clapping at the end. I shall reveal their true intent: they were clapping for your departure!!!

Now we may have our differences, Arch Nemesis, like light is opposed to darkness and water to fire; neither can abide the presence of the other. But we have our similarities too: we both breathe. But I have often puzzled over why you think the way you do. I mean, clearly, it's wrong and I freely admit that this is so for you. I am right. This state of things is as natural as a fish in water and we all know how much your side loves the natural argument. I also love the natural argument too, but only when it suits chaste depravity.

But I have to ask myself this question: why do you care so much about what you fight for? Why do you oppose gay marriage, adoption by gay parents, the secularization of society, and the liberal policies of the current administration? Surely you know that you are wrong and I, by just being me, am right? But I suppose I am kidding myself to think you know better. Still I wonder.

In closing, as this was meant to be short (I am about to enjoy watching our current president own the House Republicans) I quote Alfalfa, "You are the scum between my toes."

May you see reason someday,
Mr. Sanity

Your Evil is a Cesspool to Me

Arch Nemesis,

Some days I think you have to live in a bubble to not know how silly some of your ideas are. Then I realize that you do live in a bubble, our school's. You grew up in Utah, served a Mormon mission to some foreign country, came back virtually unchanged and certain that your beliefs triumph over all of us godless heathens, and went to Brigham Young University. When I consider all of this...I stop and say, "Well of course! He's just closed-minded." Oh, if such nuances between good and evil were that simple. But your evil is more than that, isn't it? You don't just endorse and believe you are correct you know you're correct.

Whereas I, in all my wholesome debauchery, am above the tawdry foolishness of your thoughts. I embrace the light (a rather hard thing to do, I'll have you know) and seek after virtue and whatever else is righteous-y. I have always been true to my beliefs (like you). I have always been faithful to the truth (unlike you!). So, I snub my perfect nose at you. Harumph!

Let's be real though, dear Arch Nemesis, we have our differences. They are as brightly evident as the sun in the sky. One in particularly is that I endorse the political right of social freedoms for minorities. We are equal as humans when it comes to the right to vote and marry. My choice to marry a man does not inhibit or destroy your ability to find a woman (and then run like hell away from her). But maybe it does. Maybe - in some way - you are unable to find girl (and once finding her: actually make any form of contact with her) and marry her because I exist. I destroy your ability to have a happy successful marriage. If we were neighbors taking care of our lawns would mine be perfectly manicured and cared for while yours would become a cesspool that mirrors your evil heart? Naturally, of course. But would your evil cesspool of a yard be because I worked on my yard and am therefore at fault? According to you, yes.

Arch Nemesis, I bear no evil against you (just righteous, humble, all-American fury). That's what you do with a smile on your face holding Jesus in your heart as you do so. It sends me crashing to the ground when I realize the absurdity of your worldview. On one hand you are some emissary of a God of love while in the other you hold the shackles of slavery, depression, and destruction against people like me. It's as though someone (sure, why not God) wrote this comedy of absurdities to which you and I act our parts (I, of course virtuous and you of pure and mindless evil-ness).

May you see reason someday,
Mr. Sanity

By Way of Introduction

Introductions are important. Very important. One just simply cannot go forward with a new situation unless introductions are made. Once they've been established the universe is permitted to carry out its purpose...whatever that is. I will leave the religions to discern what purpose the universe has for I have more pressing matters. This blog, with rare few exceptions including this first post, is in the style of letters written to my arch nemesis.

Who is my Arch Nemesis you ask? He is another guy living near me. He stands against all light, truth, justice, the American Way, and all that good, righteous stuff. Yes, I am your average, oh so humble fighter for all that is right. It is quite doubtful my Arch Nemesis even knows that we are Arch Nemeses. He's the kind to say hello cheerfully and naively, fully unaware of the foul stench of his evil-ness. But fear not! I am here to uncover that and reveal his awful designs!

How are we nemeses? It boils down to simple polarities that exist between us: he is conservative and I am liberal, he is a theist and I am an atheist, and he opposes the rights of gays while I fight for them (may have something to do with the fact that I chase after guys while he runs away from girls and guys). Some things will make sense...and some will not. Kind of how it goes, I guess. There are other differences between us: I am right and he is wrong, I am cute and he is ugly, I am smart and he is dumb, I do not put quotes on every flat surface and he does, I live in reality (when it suits me) and he does not (when it suits him).

One day he may realize we are nemeses and then the game will really be afoot. Until then, I shall oppose his evil designs from shadow. There, introductions have been made. Carry on, universe.