I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this letter to you tonight. It's late and I'm tired. That typically influences my thinking in negatives ways, ha ha! So, I will make sure this letter remains optimistic and hopeful. I've been thinking a lot about how I see the world and how it is influenced by those around me.
I confess to being a flight risk. I get to a point in life where I just want to leave wherever I'm at and start all over some place new. I want to cut off all ties to the past and just start afresh. I blame this on the fact that my family seemed to move every few years; then I served a mission where every every few months I'd change locations; and finally on college where I've lived in six different places over the past four years. Ha ha, I clearly don't know what it means to settle down! But I'm young, right? I'm supposed to yearn to travel, ha ha!
What holds me back are the friendships that I make. However, strangely, not because they bind me to them but because I feel needed. I react in two ways, I constantly am searching for a substitute for me while also doing all I can to have fun, be there for them, and just make the person's days bright or their darker days a little brighter. Not surprisingly, this undermines my original efforts, Sentry, ha ha!
I've noticed a few things these past few weeks about how I act. When I am sad or struggling to get through feelings that I don't want, I will still make myself available to others that need me. Even when I need to get through feelings, either negative or positive, towards a person, I will still be by their side in support while hurting inside. I'm sure I'm not alone on this one, though. Do you have any experiences like this, Sentry? In those instances, I want to say to the person that asks for my time, "No, I'm busy" or "I hate you, leave me alone." But I can't bear the thought of not being there for someone that needs help. I never wish bad things upon people that have hurt me, Sentry. Rather, I wish that they find a way to improve their lives and experience much joy and success in it. I find it difficult to truly hate someone even when I want so desperately to hate them that I can feel that desire screaming in my mind. I just can't because it will not make better and will only bring me down and those around me too.
Tonight, Sentry, I noticed that I was doing it again. This time with my wife. You should meet her. She's beautiful in every way and I don't think she realizes it. Standing back, I see how anyone that meets her becomes captivated by her beauty, intelligence, and humor. She is wonderful in so many ways. Everyone that meets her wants to be friends with her and I'm glad. I want her to be the center of attention! So this person invited me to a party and asked specifically for her to come along. I jokingly said that if he just wanted her, I could drop her off. At the same time, though, it's still very much in line with my attitude. I didn't want him to feel like he had to invite me just because he wanted her there. As odd as it sounds, I think, I see her as my better half at this point in my life and I like that, honestly, Sentry. If you knew her, you'd agree.
Now, I don't mean to see that I'm inferior, stupid, or pathetic. Hardly that. I have many positive attributes and gifts and I am grateful for them and love them. I am not trying to put myself down in anyway in this letter, but rather reflect upon my flight risk attitude. Tonight, I believe she would be better than me at what I wish to see happen in the world. I only wish she could know that she doesn't need me to talk to others. She isn't as awkward as she thinks. She would be the center of attention in any gathering of people just for who she is. That's how amazing she is!
On another note, a friend that I'm struggling to feel ok about, has asked to hang out. I want to say no and confess that I feel hurt by something he did to me but I know that I just need time to work through it. I wanted to tell him no and that I wanted to just run away from the whole situation and be juvenile in my approach but instead I told him yes but that I would be busy over these next few weeks. Honestly, I'm not really prepared to hang out with him right now. It would be too painful for me. So I'm grateful I have a legitimate excuse. Yet I know that if he needed me, I would ignore how I feel and be by his side. I hope that's just normal, Sentry. I want to believe that's just how adults are with their lives. You suck it up, so to speak. So, Sentry, if I'm just whining about what people do every day, feel free to tell me. But if I'm not, let me know.
So, Sentry, I've babbled quite enough for one night. I will actually post this I think because it praises my wife!
P.S. To lighten the mood, a video that has had me laughing all day today (yes, Sentry, I've watched it a lot). It is South Park, though, so if you're easily offended, I wouldn't watch it if I were you.
Six Years Out
1 year ago