As I write this...I feel empty inside. It is a sense of false peace. I am merely sitting on a sea momentarily calmed in the midst of a storm waiting for the next wave to crash over and drown me. I warn you in advance, this is not a happy letter. There are no happy thoughts for me today. Today, my heart is broken and I feel once more at a loss when it comes to my family. I wish to share with you, Sentry, what I would say to my father in letter form if I could talk to him now.
I know that right now you don't want to hear from me. And I suppose I don't blame you. You have accused me of lying to and stealing from you. And after hearing how you see things, I cannot really disagree with you. But please, here this tiny plea for understanding.
My heart is breaking right now. I feel at a loss when I return to the words you spoke to me just a couple hours ago. How you do not "condone or condemn" me. But you do judge me. My heart breaks because I have become evil in your sight. My worst fears have been realized.
Look, I know right now that it's gonna be difficult to love me. And I realize that despite everything I want, you will love me differently. But I only ask one day that you hug me and hold me close and whisper that you love me so that I know that it is without attachment or expectation instead of now...where I feel I've disappointed you and lost that love.
I apologize for letting you down. It was never my intention to steal money from you. My thievery was done out of fear. Fear of not knowing how to proceed. Fear of not knowing where to turn for advice. The money I stole from you was out of negligence. I have been in anguish over what to do about my education. How could I possibly tell you what was going on in my life when I feared exactly your response? I did not maliciously take the money from you. I do not with evil thought in mind force your hand to continue to help pay for my loans and car insurance.
Look, I know that you think I'm doing this to punish me. But that's not true. I am not seeking to change school as a way to punish myself for breaking the promises I made. If I wanted that, I would be going about it in a different way. What I'm trying to do is to do what I feel and think is right. I'm trying to live a life of honor and honesty. How can I continue on as I am and look myself in the eye or you, or Mom? I could not.
You hate what I've become. You hate who I am. But these are things I cannot change. I am gay. And I can no longer believe in a God. I do not hate you for being straight or believing in God. I do not think you stupid or wrong or evil. But you do.
I only want to do what is right. I only want to live a life with dignity and strength. I'm tired of lying to myself and to others. This has been building up for a long time, Dad. I did not tell you early on because it was a battle I have been struggling with. When I told you these things, I came to you for advice but I should have known you would judge me. In your eyes, I deserve nothing less. I have let you down in every way today.
In every way.
Please, Dad, if you wish to punish me, do so. There is my self-flagellation. Take the car, refuse to help pay my loans, and cut me off. I fear, though, that if you do this, my heart will shatter. And once shattered, a chasm will have forever opened up between us. We will no longer be bound by familial ties. I have betrayed you and you will have betrayed me. I beg you now, please don't do that. I will not survive this if you do so.
We will be saying goodbye on that day, if you do so.
For All Time
My heart is breaking, Sentry. My dad accused me of stealing and lying by not telling him that I had stopped following the rules and commandments of the Church. That I had, in essence, broken my covenants. For that, he wants retribution. He has decided to mull things over and to calm down before telling my mom. He believes she will scream for me to be cut off from them. Sentry, I fear I am facing the end of my relationship with my parents. I fear they will, in anger, decide that I cannot be their child anymore.
Today and tonight, Sentry, I am alone in a way I have never felt. Right now, I wish I had a hero in my life. Someone to comfort me through it all. To offer me hope because I don't know what to do right now except to prepare for the worse. To prepare for their permanent departure from my life. Will you be by my side, Sentry, or will you also decide to slip away from me?
The Lost Traveler
Songs on my mind right now: