Late Night Thoughts

Dear Sentry,

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this letter to you tonight. It's late and I'm tired. That typically influences my thinking in negatives ways, ha ha! So, I will make sure this letter remains optimistic and hopeful. I've been thinking a lot about how I see the world and how it is influenced by those around me.

I confess to being a flight risk. I get to a point in life where I just want to leave wherever I'm at and start all over some place new. I want to cut off all ties to the past and just start afresh. I blame this on the fact that my family seemed to move every few years; then I served a mission where every every few months I'd change locations; and finally on college where I've lived in six different places over the past four years. Ha ha, I clearly don't know what it means to settle down! But I'm young, right? I'm supposed to yearn to travel, ha ha!

What holds me back are the friendships that I make. However, strangely, not because they bind me to them but because I feel needed. I react in two ways, I constantly am searching for a substitute for me while also doing all I can to have fun, be there for them, and just make the person's days bright or their darker days a little brighter. Not surprisingly, this undermines my original efforts, Sentry, ha ha!

I've noticed a few things these past few weeks about how I act. When I am sad or struggling to get through feelings that I don't want, I will still make myself available to others that need me. Even when I need to get through feelings, either negative or positive, towards a person, I will still be by their side in support while hurting inside. I'm sure I'm not alone on this one, though. Do you have any experiences like this, Sentry? In those instances, I want to say to the person that asks for my time, "No, I'm busy" or "I hate you, leave me alone." But I can't bear the thought of not being there for someone that needs help. I never wish bad things upon people that have hurt me, Sentry. Rather, I wish that they find a way to improve their lives and experience much joy and success in it. I find it difficult to truly hate someone even when I want so desperately to hate them that I can feel that desire screaming in my mind. I just can't because it will not make better and will only bring me down and those around me too.

Tonight, Sentry, I noticed that I was doing it again. This time with my wife. You should meet her. She's beautiful in every way and I don't think she realizes it. Standing back, I see how anyone that meets her becomes captivated by her beauty, intelligence, and humor. She is wonderful in so many ways. Everyone that meets her wants to be friends with her and I'm glad. I want her to be the center of attention! So this person invited me to a party and asked specifically for her to come along. I jokingly said that if he just wanted her, I could drop her off. At the same time, though, it's still very much in line with my attitude. I didn't want him to feel like he had to invite me just because he wanted her there. As odd as it sounds, I think, I see her as my better half at this point in my life and I like that, honestly, Sentry. If you knew her, you'd agree.

Now, I don't mean to see that I'm inferior, stupid, or pathetic. Hardly that. I have many positive attributes and gifts and I am grateful for them and love them. I am not trying to put myself down in anyway in this letter, but rather reflect upon my flight risk attitude. Tonight, I believe she would be better than me at what I wish to see happen in the world. I only wish she could know that she doesn't need me to talk to others. She isn't as awkward as she thinks. She would be the center of attention in any gathering of people just for who she is. That's how amazing she is!

On another note, a friend that I'm struggling to feel ok about, has asked to hang out. I want to say no and confess that I feel hurt by something he did to me but I know that I just need time to work through it. I wanted to tell him no and that I wanted to just run away from the whole situation and be juvenile in my approach but instead I told him yes but that I would be busy over these next few weeks. Honestly, I'm not really prepared to hang out with him right now. It would be too painful for me. So I'm grateful I have a legitimate excuse. Yet I know that if he needed me, I would ignore how I feel and be by his side. I hope that's just normal, Sentry. I want to believe that's just how adults are with their lives. You suck it up, so to speak. So, Sentry, if I'm just whining about what people do every day, feel free to tell me. But if I'm not, let me know.

So, Sentry, I've babbled quite enough for one night. I will actually post this I think because it praises my wife!

Your friend,
Traveler

P.S. To lighten the mood, a video that has had me laughing all day today (yes, Sentry, I've watched it a lot). It is South Park, though, so if you're easily offended, I wouldn't watch it if I were you.

Quirks

Dear Sentry,

I'm in an odd mood! So to celebrate that I thought I'd write about some of my oddities, numbering in no particular order:

1. My ideal footwear is one sock on one foot and no sock on the other. I feel off-balance until I am wearing my socks like that but think others doing it is weird.

2. When making blog posts, if I have pictures I have to have both men and women or else I feel like my post isn't complete.

3. An old roommate used to refer to me as the "spiritual atheist."

4. I am a night owl and a morning person :(

5. I love to hug and touch people but do not like it when someone else tries to hug or touch me first
5a. there are a strange few people that I don't freak out when they touch me...there's no rhyme or reason behind why particularly them.

6. I love being interrupted in my work by little kids and pestered by friends.

7. If you break my heart, I will hate you for it but will swallow my pain and anger to help you out on anything.

8. I absolutely hate having people do anything for me if it's out of obligation. I have been known to cancel dates, hanging out with friends, and given people excuses to get out of doing anything for my birthday just to avoid being in a situation where the other person feels they are obligated to be with me.

9. I love to debate pointless things.

10. I think it's cute when a dog licks a person's face but will never let the dog lick my face.

11. I love "Your mom" and "That's what she said" jokes.

12. I love teddy bears but only from the Gund company thanks to my little brother.

13. I will cry over random things.

14. Lastly: I love, love, LOVE sushi!!!

I hope you have a good day, Sentry :)

Your friend,
Traveler

Everyone Loves a Lesbian!

Dear Sentry,

I apologize for my all too common disappearances. This past month has, with yearly regularity, both disabled and enabled me to continue on with life. It disabled me with the all too familiar melancholy of that comes this time of year accompanied by deep soul-searching that has enabled me to renew my desire to experience life in all its beauty and wonder.

In other words, Sentry, I'm back!!! And to celebrate my return, I share a few couple videos that my wife shared with me, ha ha! Warning, they might be offensive to some people.

The first video made me laugh out loud so hard that it's rapidly become one of my favorite videos! In other happy news, my wife and I are in a domestic partnership now on Facebook (official, right?) and because I asked her to be in it, Facebook told her that she's my boyfriend! This is the second time I've had a female boyfriend but she is by far the best! Love you, wife!

I really didn't have any point in talking to you, Sentry, aside from sharing clips and not having a point in doing it. I confess that I miss you. And have so many posts to complete and put up. I hope you day goes well!

Your friend,
Traveler

With or Without You

Dear Sentry,

To lighten the mood of this letter, I have added pictures of guys (and one girl) because, come on, who doesn't like cute guys (except my wife, of course)?

(For the wife, of course...Is she cute?)

I wish to write about relationships today. I will not lie and claim I have been in one with another guy but I will admit that my connection to relationships will be further explained down below. I began this past year in focusing on relationships, whether that was romantic or friendship. I have learned a great deal this past year. I learned of love, of respect, of kindness, of compassion, of anger, of jealousy, and of hope. I have observed my friends enter into romantic relationships with others or even attempt to build relationships with others. I have watched failures as well as successes.

 (I find this picture cheesy for some reason)

Marriage. Two of my friends got married last June in a beautiful wedding that made me smile and have hope for my future and for the my friends' futures. I was fortunate to help a friend put together the food that would be served at the wedding and meet a wonderful lesbian couple. The wedding mixed LDS and Christian themes throughout the ceremony with the officiator being a former temple sealer. Another set of friends were married in an LDS temple and now live far away from me. I wish to both of these couples long and happy lives full of a wealth of experiences. I hope one day to be married but that is a distant dream simply expressed right now in the form of a single phrase, nothing more. The here and now is focused on other things of more immediate importance.

(Bare feet on the counter? My mother would have shot him!)

Boyfriends and girlfriends. I have watched as many friends have entered into these relationships. Some are no longer in them. I have seen their heartbreak and anger, confusion and happiness from this. One friend had the girl and he pray before becoming a couple. I will refrain from commenting in case they ever read this post. Suffice it to say, Sentry, they are now a couple. What is it I have learned, Sentry? I have learned that in each situation, both individuals must see the relationship as something that has added to their lives and not as something that can save them from themselves. Those that have pined for love and put the object of their affection on pedestals of perfection seem to only be avoiding the broken aspects of their own souls. Those that have had success in being in a relationship have allowed time to wear away at infatuation and replaced it with love, admiration, acceptance, and a willingness to stick with things. Sentry, I'm sure this is all obvious to you. For me, this has not necessarily been so.

What of my experiences? I have many awkward stories. But I do have one requirement to any date or any hanging out. I only ask of friends, potential lovers, and family to want to be there with me. I hate the idea of anyone feeling obligated to be there or doing it as some kind of act of charity or service. I am perfectly capable of accepting rejection, Sentry. Trust me, I get it all the time and I just laugh it off and move on with my day. Why obsess and focus on the negative when so much positive surrounds my life each day?

(Tattoos = cute!)

This past summer, Sentry, I focused on just making friends. To this day I still long for that period of time. Ignoring anyone that was interested in me was so much fun. To just spend those warm summer days dodging anything deep or involved left my very being alive with energy and excitement. But the long autumn months and winter months have since seen attempts to change that aspect of my heart. And while there has been much learning. The most important lesson that I have learned is this: give love to all those around me. Sure, Sentry, that sounds sooooo cheesy. And it is.

This past year, my eyes have become opened to how people act around me because I have learned to care about myself and about those around me. For that, I am grateful for this past year on relationships.

Your friend,
Traveler

(How could I not share this with you?)

Of Past and Present

Dear Sentry,

Tonight I wish to write about the past and how it inevitably is connected to the present. I apologize in advance for these words will likely not have much humor in them. More likely, they will possess a sober kind of sorrow. But whatever they will contain, I still wish to write them for you to read and for you to speak in response to.

Tonight was a night of conversations. It was a night where discussions ranging from political philosophy to the great evil of certain denominations were held. Some conversations were light-hearted and others sobering to a degree of annoyance. But in each case, I was present to either listen or add to the conversation.

I wish to talk to you about one conversation where a casual emotion ran the breadth of the conversation with one speaker. Now, I could be wrong in my assessment of the situation, but I will still share my thoughts on it anyway. The speaker, a guy only a few years older than me, seemed to see the world in a black and white scenario with the only deviance from the theists being the reverse of what is evil and what is good. The LDS Church was cast in evil vocabulary and the gays were cast in good vocabulary. Every motive of the Church was driven towards the ultimate goal of total and absolute control over its followers. I weary at this view. Why? Well, tonight, it reminded me of decisions that I made years ago that have haunted my life for nine years now.

I made the choice to avoid my very being and be celibate at the age of sixteen. I chose to avoid the possibility of companionship, romance, and the fulfilling of one of the deepest, most poignant aspects of human existence: love. For seven years I chose that path and then I chose to change that. My point in all of that is that I chose this path. I was not ordered by the Church to do so. I was not caught in some web of control by some great authoritative force out to abuse and absorb my choices. I chose it and suffered the consequences of that choice until I could bare it no more and then sought true knowledge and understanding in life. In each situation, it was my choice and the consequences are mine alone to bare. I do not blame my childhood religion for my choice. I merely acknowledge the sources of my knowledge and see myself alone to blame and praise for my actions.

I think it unnecessary to pass the blame onto others. Yes, I do believe my childhood religion has much to answer for and certainly has blood on its hands. But I will not absolve myself of all responsibility for my actions. I am perfectly capable of deciding things. It was my fault for not truly understanding the nature of my choices. I accepted this several years ago and have since absolved myself of my guilt in choosing the incorrect path. I was but a child when I made my choices. Sure, I was making decisions with incredibly far-reaching consequences but I learned, grew, and am happier now than ever before.

There is enough evil in this world, Sentry. Why do we have to keep finding more enemies and villains in the shadows of life and the recesses of our memories? Why can't we find more heroes? Well, I refuse to succumb to that. The Mormon Church can be whatever it wishes. I don't care. My heroes are my wife, my best friend here, my best friend in San Diego, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, my roommate  for his courage and hope, and so many more individuals.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on that one emotion. I'm sure I took it way out of context but I feel that I have expressed my opinions well enough. Tomorrow, I wish to talk further about relationships with you, Sentry.

Your friend,
Traveler

P.S. A song that I rather enjoy :) (to lighten the mood a little)

Heads Up!

Dear Sentry,

As usual, I am behind on blog posts. Hopefully I can fix that in the next several days. But in the mean time, I wished to draw your attention to the yearly event that you may or may not know about. Why do I draw your attention? Really, now, Sentry, it should be obvious by now.

I fully confess to acting weird on the ninth, tenth, fifteenth, and twenty-third of this month. Those are the days that I use to ponder and reflect, make goals, and renew my desire to improve my life. This tradition began in sorrow and now continues in joy. So, if I am moody when you talk to me on those days, Sentry, don't be offended. Those are the days when I fully acknowledge that I am allowed to cry without shame, laugh without worry of what others think, and ponder without worry of getting a headache.

It is, in my opinion, the chance to refresh and renew this so-called spirit of mine. Thank you for understanding, Sentry. And to finish this post, I feel I should at least post pictures of my favorite guy in picture.

Your friend,
Traveler