I had a conversation with my roommate this morning that made me pause to reflect and ponder. This, naturally, caused problems for me as I was too late to go to class and am now writing this at a time when I would rather have been learning about the break up of the USSR. Sentry, I think there's something wrong with my brain. I enjoy learning a little too much. The other day, I caught myself giggling with joy over the things I had to read for my classes.
*whisper* Help me...
What was I talking about? Oh yes, my conversation with my roommate. My roommate showed me two pictures: one of a man and one of a woman. Now, being the savvy, self-aware individual that I am, I couldn't help but agree with him that both people were incredibly beautiful. He then asked which one I thought was hotter. Such a funny question. The guy was hotter. Why? Because the patterns of thought that my brain goes down did the following:
Male vs. Female: which do I like more? Male.
Beauty vs. Beauty: which do I like more? Beauty.
So...Beauty + Male = the guy
My roommate, a straight man, thought that the girl was hotter.
Why do I share this with you, Sentry? I mean, besides from the fact that I like to pretend that throwing made up equations into any conversation makes me sound more legit (it's true, you know). My roommate wanted me to admit that I found both individuals hot. I did. I mean, sure, the lady was quite hot. But...I mean, he asked me to pick between a guy and a gal. What did he expect?
My point in all of this...um...I just realized that I can't add pictures of men and women in scantily clad clothing to this post right now since I'm on a school computer and that will look...odd...So, I will finish this post later, Sentry.
I'm back and sleep deprived! Here are photos! All women photos minus Madaleine Albright come from my wife's blog mormonlesbian.blogspot.com . The rest were found around the web. So my question for you is this: who do you find hot among these photos?
My personal favorite, Sentry, is former model Kevin Gould. So cute!!! See for yourself!
I'd ask how you are doing, but at the moment, I really don't care. Please feel free to shrug off my indifference to your state of being and let me indulge in my thoughts for a bit. Yesterday was not a productive day as far as being a good student and studying hard. I dropped the books and traveled to Salt Lake City to go hang out with a group of gay men. It saddened me that a lady friend of mine could not travel with me but hopefully that will be corrected at another time.
The drive up was interesting. I enjoy watching how people interact with each other. Attraction is a fascinating thing to observe because, let's be honest, we are pathetic when we flirt. It makes no difference, in my opinion, what your gender or gender preference is. You'll still look like a dork to an outsider as you flirt. Those romance comedies, in my opinion, are so popular because of the fact that they spotlight human idiocy when it comes to falling in love. We say, talk, and do weird things. Sometimes it's cute, such as the physical connection of holding onto another's arm or the touching of a shoulder lightly. Sometimes it's awkward, say with a person being slightly intoxicated and touching the leg of a stranger or forcing hugs with a person they've barely met. Other times it's incredibly creepy, say like when a perfect stranger runs his hands down the arm of another stranger without any other communication while moving past them on the way to the bathroom or other location. Sure, you could argue this last one is more like an accidental bump, Sentry. But really now, have you ever considered how creepy it is to be minding your own business, unaware of the approach of this stranger, and then feeling his hand go from your shoulder to your elbow in a sweeping, semi-intimate touch. Not fun.
Attraction is interesting in how it drives a person to connect with another person. I think that we as people insist on there being order to the chaos in our lives. We insist that opposites attract, that straight men are in denial, that you must be a certain body type to attract the attention of your peers, that gays are an abnormality or perverse mental disorder or just plain odd, and that lesbians are always mere minutes away from pulling out their moving vans upon meeting a fellow lesbian. And while all this has a certain degree of truth to it (in some cases that truth is just simply wishing it were so), let's be honest, Sentry, there can only be one response to this: What the hell is wrong with us?
Now, for me, eyes are one of the most attractive feature on a person. In fact, eyes can be so compelling that they can make a straight man out of me on occasion (extremely rare occasions, mind you). Eyes can be brilliant or dull, Sentry. They can convey so much emotion or none. Basically, they entertain and fascinate me for hours. One example that comes to my mind almost immediately are the eyes of my "wife." I love her dearly and the thing that catches my attention the most is how expressive her eyes are. Her most vivid and powerful emotions are irritation and anger...so it's fun to get her annoyed. Now, she may read this, Sentry, so I should tell her now: you're awesome and I love you! Sending you love and lights always! *wink*
Another example comes from a guy that I saw last night. He had the most beautiful green eyes that I've ever seen. The green was distinct and clear and not cloudy or murky as my blue eyes can be. This, by the way, is not a slight on me, Sentry. Rather, his eyes were the most deliberate green I've seen and made me wonder if he were wearing contacts. They were mesmerizing, honestly, Sentry. Mesmerizing.
My final thought on attraction is on what governs who we like. This is something I've thought on a lot lately. See, sadly, I've been going about it the wrong way. I've always that I was attracted to people that are kind or compassionate, intelligent, and such because I find that personality intriguing and possessing of endless possibilities. Evidently I have been wrong in assuming that I am attracted to this because I find these qualities admirable. Last night, I discovered that the stars are responsible for this attraction. In my case, the moon has assisted or has some roll in determining this (I'm a bit confused on this point). So I say to that constellation (oh all right and the moon), Thank you. Can you provide me a man now? Yes, Sentry, astrology is what I'm talking about. No, I'm not joking, so please stop laughing or I will smack you later. I, being a Cancer (remind me to tell you an awkward story about that later), am evidently ideally matched with Pisces. Why? Cause crabs like fish? (That reminds me of another quite lame joke) Cause somehow our personalities work...
...
Anyway, I'm sure there are more meaningful and insightful explanations for the whys behind this...but I don't know them. And with that, Sentry, those are my thoughts on attractions and such from my experiences last night. Fun, huh? Oh, and a parting song at the end of this letter.
Tonight I write on secrets, Sentry. I write about them as one who has not learned his lesson. See, shortly after I graduated from high school I was told I see the world through rose-tinted glasses. This came about when a friend was telling me that I had a crush on a pothead and wasn't seeing him for what he was. While I hope I have improved some in the six years since that event, I know that I am still a very naive boy.
I accept that I see the world through idealistic lenses. I've known this for a long time. I try to see the world just as it is, Sentry, but I fail so many times. I want the world to be this way so I pretend it is and than I am jarred back to reality when the truth of the situation or situations seeps back in again.
Sentry, the worst secrets for me are the ones that are about relationships. I hate when men that are married confess their unfaithfulness to me. I hate when women discuss their disgust in their partners and express longing for others. I am tired of knowing these lies and carrying them, Sentry.
Now, I know that couples are not perfect. Not all husbands and wives are faithful. Friends are not always honest. Moral individuals can be liars, leading double lives. Evil often is not committed through grand acts of show but in small, secretive acts. This I have come to understand a little more.
Over the past year I have met husbands that profess faith in their churches, love for their wives and children, but are unfaithful in their marital beds. I have met men and women in relationships that express love with a kiss on their lover's cheek or lips and then slip off to kiss another that is not their own. I have met individuals that stand up for so-called righteous causes but come the still of the night express their hearts in a different manner.
Secrets.
They intertwine with every aspect of the fabric of society, Sentry. I fully accept the fact that nothing that I have written is anything new or shocking. I accept that it is I who must change in this. I am wrong about the world around me. I am wrong in how I have chosen to perceive the world around me. Those that I have looked to as role models or even simply as people that I thought fit my model of a good person have let me down. This, Sentry, is to be expected.
So why am I writing any of this? I mean, honestly, gays are notorious for keeping secrets. So many of us hide our very identity from ourselves or masquerade it in word plays such as same-gender attraction, temptations, weaknesses, and so on. We play the roles that families, friends, religions, and societies try to demand of us. Some continue their secrets until more lives are entangled in it. Sometimes we hide from the truth for decades and decades. But as always, we have our secrets. And we are not alone. No one person is somehow immune to this. I have my secrets.
So why am I writing this?
I am writing this because it breaks me heart. My idealism tells me I should be honest about how I feel and think. I should be honest towards others. People should be honest towards me and others. But we are not. We cannot. So, Sentry, I accept that reality is not as I wish it to be. I accept that I am the one that must change. I must yield to reality.
But know this, Sentry, I am tired. I have learned one thing in all of this, one tiny shred of learning: I want to one day marry a man that is honest.
So for now, Sentry, what do I do to accept this real world. How do I find a way to live in this world where secrets intertwine with so-called reality? I already know I am a coward and weak. But these two things do not help me to cope, adjust, and find a way to live in such a way as to accept the world around me and try to do what I think is right.
So I ask, Sentry, what answers can you give me?
Your friend,
Traveler
P.S. I feel like this song is most accurate (from Jekyll and Hyde):
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