I apologize for this somber letter to you in advance. How are you doing, though?
There are times when I wish I didn't feel. Dramatic right? The only sense of reason I can apply here is gratitude that I do not possess the power to eliminate emotions because I know it would be rash and just wrong.
Sunday night I learned at last that I do not know what it means to be "in love." I learned that the person that I did like far more than others...sigh...well, I was way more into it than he was. I realize it was silly of me to think as I did. Silly of me to want for something like that. I confess that it's just not easy to write this letter, Sentry. I feel as though my heart is in pain from this. Again, melodramatic, I know.
Look, I realize I'm also sorts of thing that make me utterly human. I'm not asking you, Sentry, to perceive me as superhuman or even above average human. Could you at least, though, deal out some pity to me? I know that in the weeks to come I'll be grateful for this epiphany, this understanding. But right now, it feels like daggers in my heart. This truth has been hard to swallow these past couple of days.
I know I deserve better. I do not say that arrogantly but honestly. I know it so I work to make my life better. To make my life the kind of good that I want others to share with me.
But today, this day, I feel weak and pathetic. I feel...well, human: vulnerable, pathetic, and weak. Tomorrow I will feel those things but enthusiasm, hope, and optimism. But that's tomorrow, Sentry. So, I know I'll heal. I know I'll recover. I know I'll make my life better and richer in experience and joy than it already is. This incident, this epiphany will become yet another force of strength in my life. But today it is an erosion of strength.
So, I write stories. But you might have known that. I don't actually remember. Forgive me for my bad memory on this. Anyway, I wanted to share something with you. To help me get into the mind of the character, I create a playlist with songs that remind me of some facet of what the character is feeling or some aspect of an event in the story. It's meant to help inspire me while I write.
I wanted to share one of these playlists. You tell me what you think. This particular playlist runs about an hour and twenty minutes or so. So, if you listen to it all, plan on having the music in the background while going about your day (or days).
This playlist focuses on the character Caleb Martin. He's this young twenties guy, fresh-faced, and naive as all get out. But he's sweet and kind and will help you out if your in a bind. Also, not surprisingly, he's gay and still Mormon. At the beginning of the story, his best friend has just committed suicide and he's struggling to find his place in the world. His family disowned him when he came out to them and he's not all that close to his other roommates. So he's feeling very vulnerable and alone. The playlist starts with when he first moves in with his new roommates (the other main characters) and goes until the end of the story. Enjoy! Or...get really bored, Sentry!
There are days where I want to run and run and run and never quit. Those are the days where I would break myself, crush myself, and end all that is me...if I could actually do that. These are night times where I am depressed but rather times where I feel the pent up desire to throw my world upside down and start over.
Except I can never succeed, it seems.
Then there are the days where I wish I could scream, shake my fist at the world, and walk away from everything. On these days, I'd give up everything and just say to the world "here's the middle finger. You know what that means." But I can't do that. I feel that I would regret it in an instant once I saw the bridges burning.
I want a day where I don't feel either of these feelings but something new. I can feel the familiar beginnings of these emotions developing in me again. It comes out of jealousy or envy. I feel trapped right now, Sentry. I feel trapped at the exact same moment I am beginning to feel like I can breathe and taste freedom. I can sense it deep in the core of my being. The world around me is shifting and out of fear of losing that world, I'm running with it and making a damn good effort at keeping up with it.
So why, then, Sentry, do I feel like I'm losing still? I know that I am at last being true to my self. I'm at last reaching goals and dreams and better understanding myself. So why do I feel stooped and anxious?
Honestly, I think that with all the change that is happening, it's not the change I'm seeking. There is still something amiss in my life. Something that some part of me tells me I should have. No, Sentry, it's not Jesus or any god or something like that.
I hate this feeling of restlessness. But I know that if I wish to better understand, I can't hate it.
It's confessional time! I was going to write "confessional hour" but I really hope this letter doesn't take anywhere close to an hour to read! That would be where I'd encourage skimming of the letter or avoid reading it altogether! This is a letter meant to help me work through some of my thoughts that I've had recently. Some are connected to the last letter but mostly it's about stress.
Stress is that thing that you feel but don't want to deal with. You can't run from it and you can't fight it most times with your fists (or a swift kick to the nether regions). Stress is that feeling that you're facing a lot of hell and all you want to do is scream, rant, or laugh at it because you can't think of anything else sane. Well, Sentry, if you don't feel that way about stress, that's what I feel. Stress is something that I feel at the bottom of my stomach that creeps up my spine. It's a heaviness that I feel that sometimes makes me sick and sometimes just makes me not sure what to do. I wanna curl up in a ball and forget what I'm feeling but I know that I can't deal with it.
Stress or anxiety, the terms are interchangeable to me. When I feel panic or a panic that I can't remedy immediately, it takes the form of shallow breathing in my lungs. I feel scared to the point that I lose the ability to function. I just want to run. I've done this sometimes. My poor wife once had this happen to her. I ran from what was giving me tremendous anxiety and slept on her couch. Her roommate came home later, saw me on the couch and thought I was a rapist come to end their lives or something. Evidently, Sentry, when I sleep I look like a crazy man. But let's be real, I look no different from when I'm awake! Except that I don't rape. Ever. That was for clarification in case you think I'd do that.
Anyway...
A video to lighten the mood:
(Karen Walker, the answer is, "Yes!")
Returning to the letter:
My friends have seen this stress of mine in different forms: scatterbrained, confused, or denial of things. Suddenly information becomes locked away deep and I don't want to talk about it. It won't even make sense why I'm suddenly not willing to talk about it. At times this is cause I don't want to face whatever it is because on some deep level I'm terrified of it.
This past year, I've come to realize, has been about me finally confronting and recognizing stress. I am a dork and will cry over many things: babies, old and familiar religious music (some habits die hard), sad or poignant moments in movies, after laughing too hard, or if I get hurt. I cry or just curl up in the fetal position when I'm stressed. Sometimes I'll just sit where I'm at and stare at nothing for a while because anything else would be me facing that stress or anxiety and I just can't do that at the moment.
I don't write this, Sentry, to make you feel pity or want to help me feel better. I'll be on my feet and smiling and laughing in a few minutes anyway just do to my cheerful nature. I'm pretty cheerful around my friends most times. But then, when no one is around, I'll sit very still and just stop. It isn't always cause I'm relaxing. It's cause I'm hiding from that monster in my mind called stress.
I have a goal now. I want to face my stress, find coping techniques, medicine if I must, and gain information to better understand just what is happening in my brain.
You've seen it around you at one point or another: couples holding hands, tease-flirting with each other, having wild, raunchy eye flirts with each other. It happens. You can't dodge it, Sentry. Or perhaps in less uptight communities, you'll find couples or two random people making out, having a NCMO (non-committal make-out), or slapping their tongues together in an oral sword fight.
But it's more than that. Over the past year, much of my focus has been on just dealing with life. Dealing with it by coming to terms with some of the fears I've tried to hide from. It's a game I play: I tell myself I'm happy and I pretend I am until I can no longer avoid it, and then I work to fix things. Now, that's not saying that I'm not happy. I am happier than I've ever been in a long, long time. But there are still areas of my life that need that little fixer-upper kind of attitude. I am still in the process of doing that.
Suddenly many of my friends are casually dating or in relationships. And for the first time I am around more gay friends that fit into this category. It's a strange situation. My own roommate is dating a guy and I realize that I've never been around that before. So, Sentry, it has got my thinking recently: what do I think about relationships when it comes to me?
This is an area that fits what I described earlier as avoiding. It's a tangled area that I have tried to avoid over the past couple of years. And in all honesty I probably will still do that. But, allow me to explain the thought process behind this, Sentry (I'll try to keep it short).
I have struggled a lot with how I look at and interact with morals that I feel obligated to follow. I still am in the middle of figuring those things out. For that, it makes it difficult for me to want to develop any romantic feelings towards someone. I honestly think that's what I'm attracted to awkward and shy guys. It's a reflection of that attitude on my part. This weird fixation on rules and standards and morals, all abstract and superfluous, causes some kind of weird disconnect in my brain. Seriously, Sentry, my brain is weird. I have a cognitive dissonance where I'm fine with flirting and such but anything involving commitment makes me back off because I'm afraid I can't be totally honest or giving .
Finally, I know that I want to fall in love. I'm a total dork on that. The whole hopeless romantic runs through my veins. But I feel like my life is a mess with all this. I want to first figure things out before allowing myself to fall in love. Does that make sense, Sentry? I think relationships are a beautiful, crazy, goofy, odd, annoying, and complex thing. I just want to take care of things in my life. I don't believe I'm a catch right now or even worth noticing on that level. I don't mean that in some kind of self pity moment but rather as a way of saying, "Nothing to look at. Move on, please."
I brief list of things I'm working on: finishing school, figuring out my religious status and future, finances, assuming more control over my life, friendships, the "next step" plans, and such. Do I wish I were dating? Sure. Would it be wise to date? Hardly. So, friendships are all I need right now.
It's been a while since I wrote a letter. I confess I've been busy this past week or so. I just moved to a new place where the Internet is at times questionable on reliability. So I'm sitting in my favorite place, enjoying a delicious hot dark chocolate drink, and typing away on my computer. I've been busy with life on a number of levels and maybe some day I'll share that with you. But right now, I kind of wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind recently.
Politics is the subject that's avoided around dinner tables. It's the kind of topic that, when brought up, you politely find a quiet escape from it or the group you're with. Passions flare and ignorance rears its ugly head. Let's be honest, when you hear someone say, "President Obama is one of the worst/best presidents we've had in a long time" you're gonna react. You'll either agree, disagree, or run the hell away to avoid the topic. Honestly, I support avoiding the topic of politics in most situations.
Sentry, I take the view that politics is an necessary evil. Humanity will create politics no matter what. That's my view. In my limited exposure to Hobbes, Locke, Aristotle, Plato, Machiavelli, and such political philosophers, I have bought into the view that you can't escape politics.
I have my opinions. They are varied and sometimes take a while to explain. I don't like to discuss them with most people because I think there are better topics to have (like why Karen Walker is my god). I also just find it annoying to have to debate all the time. They're my opinions, however correct they are (just kidding!), and that's how I see it. You can argue some other time with me about the relevance (or sanity) of some comment Glenn Beck or whomever you think is brilliant said one time. I just want to watch my West Wing/American Dad/Family Guy/Will and Grace/Rome/whatever other show I like to watch and leave it at that.
I detest conversations where people say, "All they need to do..." No. Odds are that's not the case. Politics is complicated, nuanced, and damn well annoying. A short couple of sentences about how to fix the problem in Iraq/Iran/China/etc. will not work. It won't ever work. So stop. Also, I hate conversations about the perfection of America and the evil of China/Europe/Saudi Arabia/Syria/Egypt/Your Mom/Venezuela/Brazil/Vanuatu/or whatever country you dislike today. Seriously, I don't care.
I don't like when politics can be summed up in pithy phrases. It excuses the individual hearing this to turn off their brain and not think. Let's be real here for a second, Sentry, politics does affect you. That big ol' reality show called Congress does affect your life in potentially every way. So, yes, it will affect you and avoiding it won't change that. Skipping down the road with your best mates, chattering about the latest gossip from Pretty Little Liars is probably better than discussing American foreign policy in Iraq or Malta and certainly something to have fun with. I'll always be more willing to talk about that, but don't pretend that this conversation is relevant or better serving than discussing what your politicians are up to (or what little indiscretions they are trying to hide). But maybe I'm a snob, I don't know. Anyway, politics - love it, hate it - it's here to stay.
So let's just agree to disagree. All right, Sentry? Remember: I'm always right. You're always wrong. Don't worry about it, ha ha! Finally, I have only a few videos to end this letter with. Love ya, Sentry!
I have a friend named Honoria. She is someone that I care about deeply. But in all that I've observed I fear that she is ticking time bomb. If she ever goes kaboom in the foreseeable future, I fear for her. I want her to live many years. I think she will. I believe she has all that she needs to conquer the weaknesses in her. For that potential, she is commendable. But her obstacles are incredibly formidable, and, as always seems the case, she is her own worst enemy. She may believe religion or her parents or even men are her worst enemies but she need only look in the mirror to see the one that seeks her demise.
To illustrate my point, Sentry, if a person wanted to attack her verbally, all they would need to do to unravel her is to strike at her most vulnerable area: self-worth. Honoria is terribly weak in this regard and I am suspicious that she does not have that high of an opinion of herself. I have seen evidence for this in her calling herself fat (she is very healthy and skinny). Honoria has so many insecurities concerning her body. She masks it behind bravado and arrogance about it, but that mask is incredibly fractured. Spend a little time with her and sadly she will at some point discuss how she is fat. But it is a little bit more complex than that. I do not believe that Honoria sees herself as only fat. I think she fights an internal conflict over this. I think she sees herself as fat and also as skinny and healthy. I think her default view is that she is fat but she is trying desperately to believe otherwise. May her better side prevail on this.
This perception of her body should have, in my opinion, been somewhat altered in her adventures in the land of sex. Perhaps that was a bit naive on my part, Sentry. I am a firm believer in the ability of people to improve themselves. I honestly had hoped that her wanting to have sex and experimenting would help her see herself as not gross, fat, or unattractive. It appears that at this point I was wrong. She has created a dependency from sex. She needs sex in order to gain affirmation that she is wanted, needed, and loved. I have seen her deny this. Sex is fun, she will claim. I just want sex, is something that she'll tell me. I have come to the conclusion that she is in denial to herself. Oh, no doubt she just wants sex for its pleasurable potential but she also seeks sex to gain affirmation in her self worth. Yet I have witnessed her tear down her sexual partners if they do not meet her needs. I have seen her return to the same men that do not love her time and again. I have seen her hope that through sex she can gain their love. I have seen her express the desire to be someone's "first" in sex. I have no desire to take someone's virginity away. There's too much complex emotions, a lot of crying, and a lot of patience involved in that. But I think she wants it because it would be special and something new. Also, and perhaps just because, they would never forget her because she was their "first." Sadly, if a person wanted to strike at Honoria and cut deep they would have to belittle her skills and talents in bed. They could drive home the idea that no one even wants her through this. It is an idea that I believe she secretly harbors. A man could do this better than a woman as she still wants men more than women.
From body image to sex and now to dependency on others, Honoria has very little belief that she is worth-while. This is such a tragic attitude, Sentry. But I fear this is where things are most dangerous for her. Her dependency leaves her unstable as a person. Lacking self-worth ironically makes her very selfish, but not surprisingly. After all, how can she give love if she has little to no love for herself? In her defense, she can be a kind and loving person but I find that to be a "from time to time" thing more than a frequent one. She craves the attention of others. She hungers for their love and their desire to be around her. She wants to be the center of attention with others. Yet she sincerely fears that others don't like her or want her. That everyone will eventually abandon her. So she prepares for this by distancing herself and thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Her friends, as I have noticed (including me) are constantly rebuffed if they get to close. I know that she can love, Sentry. Yet she believes that expressions of love have distinct male/female responses. From what I have observed, she thinks that emotional expressions of love are masculine and therefore something she emulates (she does not believe that she acts like other women).
I would suggest, Sentry, that you see her as broken and playing defense. That would be the most accurate way of describing her, I believe. She clings desperately to her remarkable intelligence and hard work as a way to define herself. Relationships are weak around her because she has been taught by her parents that love is a cold and distant thing. Her parents, though, aren't fully to blame. There have been other moments in her life that have taught her this strange, twisted, and sad idea. Her dulled ability to express love and compassion is not fully her fault, she is but the product of her experiences. But I would suggest, Sentry, that you do not look upon her distant nature as being impregnable. Her distant nature is actually chaotic. Think of her as a castle with formidable walls to keep out outsiders or unwanted actions. But the problem with this castle is that there is a gaping hole in her defensible walls leaving her vulnerable to attacks by anyone and everyone. She may be able to put up a strong front in other places but she cannot truly hold out.
Another strange aspect about her (but not strange when we widen the scope to take in people in general) is her desire to be superior to others and yet act inferior. In this, I do not forgive as much as in other places. Honoria, though kind and nice, is arrogant. She uses her intelligence, preference for reading classical literature, choice of clothing, and atheistic nature to put herself above her peers. I honestly think this is due to how she was raised by her parents. I also think this is because she sincerely wants to believe she is better than others. Though gifted with intelligence, she is wrong to act this way. She has no issues with tearing another person down and then building herself up. It is the only area of her self-worth she can actively work on. Men become sexual objects for her (even though she craves romantic intimacy with them), gay men her playthings, lesbians are an exotic fantasy that she would go for but fears that rejection, and other women are a mystery to keep at bay and avoid at all costs. All exist to serve her, bow before her, or avoid her. This is not a perfect situation though (it is merely some subconscious fantasy on her part). Sentry, I do not enjoy being someone's plaything. I love Honoria but I cannot abide being that with her.
This arrogance that she possesses is unflattering in my opinion. I cannot be kind about it. I believe it to be the purest manifestation of her insecurity and lack of self-worth. The paradox of arrogance in her superiority and yet total disbelief in her ability to be anything more than pathetic to others is interesting, yes. It is also sad, Sentry. I fear that if she ends up alone or with few friends, it will be because of this paradox and not because of something else.
If there were anything I could suggest to her, I'd say love yourself. Accept yourself for all the good and bad that is inside you. Forgive others and let them have faults. Accept others as your equal and let yourself be their equal too. I have hope for her, Sentry. How could I not? I love her dearly as my friend. But I fear that ticking time bomb that is in her.
It's been a few days or so since we last exchanged letters. You were completely spot on with your last post on Mormons and obedience. I thank you for that! So you shared this quote by M.L. Mencken, “[Religion’s] single function is to give man access to the powers which seem to control his destiny, and its single purpose is to induce those powers to be friendly to him… Nothing else is essential.” I just wanted to comment on it.
But first: Monty Python clips!
I love Mony Python, ha ha!
So, to break down his comments (for my sake), Mencken claims that religion's sole function is for the individual to gain favors whatever they believe by seducing the divine in that individual's favor. The second claim by Mencken is that this is all that is essential.
I will agree with Mencken that one of religion's functions is to assist the individual in gaining favor from whatever they believe that controls the destiny of mortals. Judaism has Abraham bartering with God on saving Sodom and Gomorrah, Gideon with the fleece, Jeremiah and the whale, and so on. Greeks have such characters too with their demigods, gods, powers, and mortals. Catholicism today as the Saints that intervene on behalf of mortals in God's plan, Bodhisattvas work the same in Mahayana Buddhism, and so on. Individuals do interact with the divine in such a way. It is a perfectly rational explanation for why the individual believer interacts with institutional religion.
However, to say this is the sole function of religion is, in my opinion, a bit overly simplistic. Religion is not only about what M.L. Mencken states. Religion is also about acquiring and maintaining power, creating a coherent (and even incoherent) explanation of the metaphysical and physical universe, and providing a cause for existing.
Religion, like so many complex and diverse organizations, have layers to them. The motives of the individual, lowly believer can and are quite different from leaders, groups, and the entirety of the organization. So, yes, religions are like an onion (a stinky one). In my opinion, religions exist independent of the beliefs and will of the believers. They may influence it and direct where it goes but that cannot compare to how much the religion pushes them to believe and do.
So, to keep this letter short, I just want to give an abbreviated history of religion when it comes to politics and religion.
History or Yesterday's Hip Trends
This whole notion of separation of Church and State is relatively new in the history of civilization. Theocracies are rather an old (albeit tired) idea of how governments should run. To use a Mormon example, it is quite likely the "political structure" implied in the Nephite civilization derived its laws from the Laws of Moses (making the story of Korihor and the judges a bit ironic from this lens). Jewish civilization derived its laws and political structure from "divine" sources. Egyptian Pharoahs, Japanese emperors, European monarchies, Sumerian kings, and even Roman emperors all either claimed a divine birth-right or maintained some kind of divinity during life and after death. You wanted to rule people? You had to give people a reason to follow you.
Rulers in the ancient world were pretty much the head of their state religions. You couldn't be a king unless the gods were on your side. Another example of this is the Mandate of Heaven with China. Emperors were only safe as long as the mythical Mandate of Heaven was in place. Natural disasters and stronger enemies were your worst nightmare as a king. And crop failure was a bitch!
Things changed in Western civilization with the dawn of the Reformation. Those annoying Protestants challenged Catholic (meaning universal) rule throughout Western Europe. They had the audacity to argue that the Pope was not the sole authority on scripture. Nationalism began with this, local leaders in the German lands took advantage of this by consolidating their power away from The Vatican. Independence always creates problems for your former rulers. King Henry VIII used the Supremacy Act to severe ties with the Pope. It gave rise to greater British nationalism.
From this point on, governments made their power and jealously guarded it. They didn't trust religion (with the exception of the Spanish, Italians, Portuguese, and to some extent the French). Protestants and the new governments that were being formulated during the Reformation and the centuries that followed employed the idea that government should start to separate the idea of government and religion. Under President Jefferson, he wrote his famous letter.
My point in bringing all this up is to point out that religion, especially authoritarian style religions, have had a long history of sharing power with government. The Islamic Shari'ah Law movement and the Christian Dominionism are both modern examples of this effort. These movements are efforts to impose a particular set of views upon entire societies. I would argue that some religions, especially ones that have authoritarian forms of structure, do seek for more power, particularly political power. The function of religion is to acquire and maintain power.
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