There are days where I want to run and run and run and never quit. Those are the days where I would break myself, crush myself, and end all that is me...if I could actually do that. These are night times where I am depressed but rather times where I feel the pent up desire to throw my world upside down and start over.
Except I can never succeed, it seems.
Then there are the days where I wish I could scream, shake my fist at the world, and walk away from everything. On these days, I'd give up everything and just say to the world "here's the middle finger. You know what that means." But I can't do that. I feel that I would regret it in an instant once I saw the bridges burning.
I want a day where I don't feel either of these feelings but something new. I can feel the familiar beginnings of these emotions developing in me again. It comes out of jealousy or envy. I feel trapped right now, Sentry. I feel trapped at the exact same moment I am beginning to feel like I can breathe and taste freedom. I can sense it deep in the core of my being. The world around me is shifting and out of fear of losing that world, I'm running with it and making a damn good effort at keeping up with it.
So why, then, Sentry, do I feel like I'm losing still? I know that I am at last being true to my self. I'm at last reaching goals and dreams and better understanding myself. So why do I feel stooped and anxious?
Honestly, I think that with all the change that is happening, it's not the change I'm seeking. There is still something amiss in my life. Something that some part of me tells me I should have. No, Sentry, it's not Jesus or any god or something like that.
I hate this feeling of restlessness. But I know that if I wish to better understand, I can't hate it.
I just wish I knew what I wanted.
9 months ago