Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

I wanted to write this about you but not necessarily to you. Please know that if you ever read this letter, I was trying to better understand you and that is why I wrote this. I do not require a response as I'm sure how I see you will continue to evolve. It is my desire to understand you better, both the good and bad in you. So this is my attempt.

The evidence first. You were the youngest in a family that was inactive. That family became active through, I would be willing to bet, much of your effort. You had a hand in getting your parents sealed in the temple. You went on a mission and came back to marry two years later. You had kids and stayed married to that woman for many years, and still are married to her. You have held countless jobs and have gone back to school to improve your education and job opportunities. I have watched you build businesses one after another. In my eyes, your resume is impressive. But I realize that I do not know the full story of this aspect of your life. I only know that day after day and year after year you would come home frustrated and tired at everything in your life. In church you have held many callings from Nursery teacher to High Councilman.

Each of your children has disappointed you in some way or another. Your oldest divorced his first wife, remarried a woman with no interest in religion, and has long since lost interest in organized religion. Your only daughter has had a history of trouble that has left your wife crying late into the night and deepened your own frustrations. Your youngest never achieved his full athletic talent in your eyes and declined to serve a mission. Then there is me: an atheistic, openly gay, voting Democrat, and liberally-minded son. I may be the biggest "failure" in your eyes but I think that is only because I'm the latest one to show that I do not agree 100% with everything you wanted me to do in life.

I have reached a conclusion about you. I have listened to you talk about groups, political movements, and businesses opportunities and collaborations that would make you something more than you are. As I have listened I have watched you talk with a zeal and longing to belong to these movements. To be apart of something bigger than yourself. In all that I have heard, seen, and learned about you it seems like you feel lost. Do you see your life as a long series of failures stretching from your career to your family? I know you regret never having served in Vietnam and that you wish you had been born earlier enough to have fought during World War Two. So I would guess (and perhaps I'm wrong) that you are frustrated with where you are at. Everything you have accomplished and sought seems to have been in one long journey to find something to give your everything to.

Am I wrong? I cannot help but think that I am very near correct in this latest view of you: a man that has accomplished much but feels he should be apart of something bigger than he is. I do not know the full depth of your life as you have chosen to keep much of it from me and I respect that. Just know that I would love and accept you for all that you are: strengths and supposed faults. After all, you are my father. You are someone that I still look up to and admire despite the pain of these past few weeks.

There are things that I am considering, Dad. Things that may tear us apart ultimately. I feel, though, that in order to help heal myself and improve me, I must make some very difficult choices over the course of this next year. So, with this new view of you in my head, I will try to be sensitive to your needs but at the same time I can't wait anymore for you to reach where I'm at.

Love,
Your Son

P.S. A video you would enjoy

Tears

Dear Sentry,

As I write this...I feel empty inside. It is a sense of false peace. I am merely sitting on a sea momentarily calmed in the midst of a storm waiting for the next wave to crash over and drown me. I warn you in advance, this is not a happy letter. There are no happy thoughts for me today. Today, my heart is broken and I feel once more at a loss when it comes to my family. I wish to share with you, Sentry, what I would say to my father in letter form if I could talk to him now.

Dad,

I know that right now you don't want to hear from me. And I suppose I don't blame you. You have accused me of lying to and stealing from you. And after hearing how you see things, I cannot really disagree with you. But please, here this tiny plea for understanding.

My heart is breaking right now. I feel at a loss when I return to the words you spoke to me just a couple hours ago. How you do not "condone or condemn" me. But you do judge me. My heart breaks because I have become evil in your sight. My worst fears have been realized. 

Look, I know right now that it's gonna be difficult to love me. And I realize that despite everything I want, you will love me differently. But I only ask one day that you hug me and hold me close and whisper that you love me so that I know that it is without attachment or expectation instead of now...where I feel I've disappointed you and lost that love. 

I apologize for letting you down. It was never my intention to steal money from you. My thievery was done out of fear. Fear of not knowing how to proceed. Fear of not knowing where to turn for advice. The money I stole from you was out of negligence. I have been in anguish over what to do about my education. How could I possibly tell you what was going on in my life when I feared exactly your response? I did not maliciously take the money from you. I do not with evil thought in mind force your hand to continue to help pay for my loans and car insurance. 

Look, I know that you think I'm doing this to punish me. But that's not true. I am not seeking to change school as a way to punish myself for breaking the promises I made. If I wanted that, I would be going about it in a different way. What I'm trying to do is to do what I feel and think is right. I'm trying to live a life of honor and honesty. How can I continue on as I am and look myself in the eye or you, or Mom? I could not. 

You hate what I've become. You hate who I am. But these are things I cannot change. I am gay. And I can no longer believe in a God. I do not hate you for being straight or believing in God. I do not think you stupid or wrong or evil. But you do. 

I only want to do what is right. I only want to live a life with dignity and strength. I'm tired of lying to myself and to others. This has been building up for a long time, Dad. I did not tell you early on because it was a battle I have been struggling with. When I told you these things, I came to you for advice but I should have known you would judge me. In your eyes, I deserve nothing less. I have let you down in every way today. 

In every way.

Please, Dad, if you wish to punish me, do so. There is my self-flagellation. Take the car, refuse to help pay my loans, and cut me off. I fear, though, that if you do this, my heart will shatter. And once shattered, a chasm will have forever opened up between us. We will no longer be bound by familial ties. I have betrayed you and you will have betrayed me. I beg you now, please don't do that. I will not survive this if you do so. 

We will be saying goodbye on that day, if you do so. 

Your son,
For All Time

My heart is breaking, Sentry. My dad accused me of stealing and lying by not telling him that I had stopped following the rules and commandments of the Church. That I had, in essence, broken my covenants. For that, he wants retribution. He has decided to mull things over and to calm down before telling my mom. He believes she will scream for me to be cut off from them. Sentry, I fear I am facing the end of my relationship with my parents. I fear they will, in anger, decide that I cannot be their child anymore.

Today and tonight, Sentry, I am alone in a way I have never felt. Right now, I wish I had a hero in my life. Someone to comfort me through it all. To offer me hope because I don't know what to do right now except to prepare for the worse. To prepare for their permanent departure from my life. Will you be by my side, Sentry, or will you also decide to slip away from me?

Yours friend,
The Lost Traveler

Songs on my mind right now:

  

Religion...Where?

Dear Sentry,

Religion has been on my mind a lot recently. Discussions of God, homosexuality and faith, religions, religion within societies, and such. So far, Sentry, I have met straight and gay people that are nearly every shade of religious and non-religious possible throughout my life. I'm sure there are many more varieties but for now, I feel that I have experienced enough to discuss some of this with you, Sentry.

So what does religion and faith mean to you, Sentry? What are your experiences with faith and with organized religions? As is probably obvious, I was raised Mormon. I do not regret this and am not ashamed of that. My parents taught me to be honest, hard working, charitable, quick to forgive, and eager to learn. These lessons are still with me. They may no longer carry a God-oriented attachment to them, but they still carry the force of importance in them that they've always had while growing up.

My family came across the plains with the Mormons on my father's side. My great-great grandfather helped settle the Cache Valley area of Utah. My mother's side crossed the plains after the railroads connected the American coasts. They settled up in Montpelier, Idaho. My own parents were married in an LDS temple. Each of my siblings and I were baptized and raised in the Church. My sister's oldest son was baptized into the Church earlier this year. All the boys in my family received the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthoods. My older brother and I both served missions. My parents are still heavily involved with the Church to this day. All of my mother's friends are Mormon these days.

My point in sharing that, Sentry, is to show a small amount of the impact religion has had on my family's lives. Religion has influenced my life. Since my mission I have taken a look at other religions to see how they think and believe. I have gone to the Hare Krishna temple south of here, the Evangelical Christian church that meets in a converted car mechanic shop, the beautiful cathedral of the Catholics near Temple Square, and the small Episcopal chapel in the town I live in. A small number, yes, but enough to allow me to discover diversity of religious views even in this state.

It's my hope and desire to talk with you further about religious subjects. After all, religion is a powerful thing. It has occupied the minds of billions of people throughout history and around this planet today. Thinking it's no big deal is childish at best.

What do you think about all this, Sentry?

Your friend,
Traveler

Long Term Goal

Dear Sentry,


Growing up in California, I met a few gay men and women there. My best friend was gay, a fact I learned nine months into serving my mission. I had one friend my freshman year of high school that was gay but I stopped hanging out with him. My section leader in band my senior year of high school was a lesbian. We promised to never "act on it (a promise we thankfully have both broken)." On my mission, I had one companion that was gay. He chose to come out shortly after the mission and I chose to remain in the closet. Coming home, my parents banned my best friend from the house because he was openly gay.

For two years at college, I knew no one that was gay. My solitary prison existed by my own design. When I finally wanted to come out, I found out that I knew no one in the entire state of Utah that was gay. It was only by pure coincidence that a friend of mine knew a friend that knew gay men. It was through that connection that I was able to connect to the gay community in Utah, Sentry.

But I have met dozens of gays that know of no other gay guys. They know me by pure happenstance. I cannot help but wonder at how many gay men are out there in this county that wish they knew other gay guys but don't know how to meet them?

There's a group at school called "Understanding Same Gender Attraction." It's the Mormon equivalent of GSA clubs at other universities and colleges. The nature of the group is more discussion oriented than socializing. It's education does not extend beyond the realm of discussion. It is not affiliated with the school but is permitted to meet on campus. It's existence has allowed for many other gays and lesbians to connect on campus. The feeling that "you're not alone" is a welcome relief, certainly. The public schools are also woefully weak on different clubs and organizations to assist and educate the LGBTQ community in the county. I know very little about what goes on in that area. When it comes to those schools, I am left in the dark on what goes on there.

What's my point, Sentry? Travel less than 40 miles north and the center of the LGBTQ community can be found in the downtown. The Pride Center, Equality Utah, clubs, and bars are all to be found there. Cross over into this county and there are no such things. The groups that meet are just groups of friends that are barely connected to other groups. Every once in a while a games night group forms but nothing else. The USGA group is not the first to have organized at BYU. It may not be the last. USGA risks disappearing without a trace like so many of its predecessors. What will happen then for the my community at BYU? We are unaware of each other. Sure, there are groups that know of each other. Some of the more social members of the group know many of us. But so many are unconnected. We have no ability to connect. The centers up north are focused on Salt Lake City's LGBTQ population. Meanwhile, my county is barely linked into the system.

I do not write this as a complaint against the groups in Salt Lake City. It is not their responsibility, in my opinion. It is our responsibility down here. If we want to change our situation, we must change it. Sentry, I want to see this changed. I want to see a group that organizes and registers different groups and activities that go on in the county. I want to see eventually educational resources available for the LGBTQ community here. I want to see groups organized to meet throughout the county to address the different needs of this community, my community. Sentry, I primarily want this information available to everyone that wishes to find it.

I want to one day see the Pride Center equivalent in Salt Lake City created and run down here in Utah County. I want kids from the high schools, UVU, and BYU able to know of its existence and go to it to find resources and information to help answer their questions and connect. I want to see adults also connected to it. Activities organized outside of the group that announce times and places through it so that attendance can be high and a sense of community exists. I want to essentially connect the LGTQ community to each other. I want to one day see bars and clubs open up serving our community and any others that wish to participate in it.

That's my dream, Sentry. I want to help make Utah a better place for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders, and all others that belong in my community. I want to see positive change in this county. Wouldn't you like the same, Sentry?

Your friend,
Traveler

Lastly: Lesbian Biebers

Skim for the Pictures

Dear Sentry,

Today I wish to talk about my love life (or lack of it). My poor wife has already heard enough of this comedic aspect of my life. I will somehow refrain from making this letter a real tear-jerker and focus on the real emotion you should feel from this: humor. So, wife, if you're reading this...dear god, I pray for your soul.

I'd like to view my love life as a work in progress, Sentry. A real fixer-upper, if you will. I don't say that with any woe-is-me sentiment. I will not be dropping to my knees tonight praying that my life were otherwise. Why? Cause I love my life as it is: for all the good and bad. I have great friends though sometimes they do the strangest things. For example, I used to believe that I was a cuddle slut. The first time I knew I had met the lady that would be my wife was when she cuddled with my bum. Yes, a frightening story, Sentry: a lesbian making contact with a gay man's ass. But that's how I knew we were meant to be husband and wife (please note I did not write married). I would cuddle with anything or anyone, almost: man, woman, dog, cat, pillow, even a stuffed animal. Hell, I've done all of that, Sentry. And I'm right proud of it. Cuddling is fun! Except when people put their hands down my shirt to touch my chest. I always have to turn to them and be like, "Enjoying my moobs?" That usually stops them but it's this awkward moment where I have to remind people that this man's skin need not be touched while actually cuddling. But that's a story for another time.

But I have discovered that I'm evidently lame in my cuddling when it comes to my friends. I am put to shame in my cuddling by them. For them, cuddling is practically a religious experience. If there is a cuddling god (albeit one major lazy god), these are some of his/her/it's most devoted followers. They are equal opportunity cuddlers, I've discovered, Sentry. In one regaling story of cuddling, men and women essentially were lumped together in a massive cuddle session. Clearly, I have been out-cuddled. Straight, bi, and lesbian men and women have gathered in this. Ah, Sentry, I am vanilla in my cuddling. Have I lost my...edginess? Will I ever triumph over their mass cuddling?

In other news, I'm quite the catch, Sentry! I know, it caught me off guard too when I discovered this. You'd think my lack of consistently shaving my facial hair would have turned them away in droves, but evidently not. But, back to the story. Yes, I'm quite the catch, Sentry. Well...I'm quite the catch for men old enough to be my grandfather. I write this with a bit of an addition, Sentry. I have no issue or problem with guys that are interested in inter-generational dating. More power to them, I say. What? You're eighteen and attracted to a fifty year old? Cool. It's just not my thing. But, back to the story, Sentry. I'm quite the catch, evidently. A man, nearly seventy years old, was recently chatting me up and requesting that we hang out at his place. Now I may not be the most savvy gay man in the world. God knows, and my friend, that I have little to no fashion sense. But still, I am the man that every, er, older man dreams of. So, to make this story short and stop meandering, I politely explained my concern over our age difference. The man chose to not pay attention to this comment and kept on talking to me. Yes, Sentry, the man would not take no for an answer. I politely explained three times to him that I just wasn't interested. Four if you count the fact that a year ago he hit me up as well, but that's neither here nor there. He finally took the hint and now we no longer talk. That's the latest news in my romance life.

Oh, the last sentence was a lie. I've been crushing on a guy recently, Sentry. Yes, I realize this is nothing new. I believe that my brain insists that I crush on someone regularly. As soon as I get over someone, suddenly I'm interested in another person. You'd think my hormones would catch on that I'm just not really interested in dating...but when has my body, let alone other people, ever listened to me? So, yes, I like another person. And like all comedies, we are mismatched in being able to find time to even possibly go on a date. That and I'm odd. See, I am a chatterbox as you already know so well, Sentry. Can't shut me up normally. Yet around him, I cannot bring myself to breach the topic of us going on a date so all I can do is be a cheerleader for him in his dating life. I can't help but laugh, Sentry. Here I am, tongue-tied over this guy and still playing the supporting role of wanting to know how the three dates he has this week with three different guys goes over. Do I hope things go well? Of course. And I hope they fail...because I want a chance, ha ha! Ah well, I say this to myself: Courage, get off your ass and come over here. I need you for a moment or two. I might succeed in getting up the nerve to ask him out. Wish me luck...maybe, Sentry?

That's the state of my love life. If I ever had my life portrayed as a movie, I'd ask for it to be as a comedy. Tragedy would be too dull, but comedy would put a nice spin on things. I mean, really now, who wants to see a "Woe is me" about...well, me? I don't. I'd rather portray the ironies of my life, the oddities of my family, the petty and silly acts I have committed throughout my life, and the bumbling efforts at romance and love on my part. It would be sheer comedy! Now, I've shared it all for now, Sentry. No, don't be an ass and tell me things will get better. They will or won't. It doesn't matter now. Things are good now. That's what matters to me.

Your friend,
Traveler

A Goal for the Summer

Dear Sentry,

I made a goal for the summer just a few weeks back. It was to watch a gay/transgender or drag queen/lesbian movie a week. Because of that I have gained a new appreciation for movies that explore the LGBT theme. It has led me to want to understand even more about transgender issues. Sentry, I have grown to appreciate, even if only a tiny bit, the desire that all of us have to live our lives with dignity. I've only completed one rotation of this. This week starts the new rotation. But I will share with you the movies that I have watched and a few of my thoughts on the movies.

 

Summer Storm

Summer Storm was incredibly dramatic. I first watched this when I was a freshman in college. I was still in the closet so watching it touched too near the heart on how I felt about coming out. When I watched it this summer, several years after coming out, I felt a sense of relief. Then I was able to notice and appreciate the beauty of the film itself. I really did like it, Sentry. But it's still very drama-y, ha ha!

Kinky Boots

I love this movie. There's just something about the character Lolla that you can't help but admire, Sentry. I believe its her strength in the face of cruelty, hatred, and a refusal to treat her as an equal. I loved it because of her mostly. I really can't wait to watch more movies this summer during the weeks that I watch draq queens, transvestite, and/or transgender films. It was clever and funny at the same time. 

 

The Kids Are All Right

The movie was practically perfect. Why? The characters were believable to me. It was believable that they loved each other and were a family. I loved how the characters interacted and dealt with the problems that they faced. It was just amazing! I loved the acting in this movie! The Kids Are All Right has become one of my favorite movies now. 

The Broken Hearts Club

This movie won't be shown yet. I watched it in advance while decided whether to show it this week or A Single Man. I love this movie for all the humor and actors that I recognized. I loved that the movie focused on post-coming out lives. As much as I enjoy a good "coming out" film, I do like ones that explore life beyond that. This is one of those movies where you can sit back and laugh and still feel it speaks to you on an emotional level too. 

A Single Man

I watched this movie yesterday for the first time in my life. I confess, it stole my breath away. I fell in love with the music, the story, and the cinematography. It was breathtaking and made you smile and cry throughout the whole movie. I couldn't stop watching it! And by the end of the movie, I was just stunned. I literally called up a friend after, Sentry, just to gush about how amazing the movie was. I haven't watched a new film like that in a long time. Most films I've watched recently that were for the first time (except for Kinky Boots) have not really impressed me. They have been "bleh." But this movie made me pause and fall in love with it. Sentry, I highly recommend this film to you. If you have never seen this movie, do so now. You won't regret it, I promise that!

So there, Sentry. I have shared my goal for this summer. I love it so far! I can't wait to watch more films. I thought I would share with you some of the movies that will be on the list for this summer. If you have any that you recommend, I'd love to know, Sentry. Thanks :)

Gay:

Presque Rien (Come Undone)

8: The Mormon Proposition

Transgender/Drag Queen/Transvestite:

Pageant

Boys Don't Cry

Lesbian:

Imagine Me and You

But I'm a Cheerleader

Your friend,

Traveler

And finally, a song from A Single Man:

 

Important Life Lessons...or Something Like That

Dear Sentry,

Last night I went clubbing. I had managed to convince a number of my atheist friends to go clubbing with me last night and from all appearances everyone seemed to have a good time. Yet while dancing, I could not help but reflect on lessons I had learned from clubbing. So I thought I would share them with you, Sentry.

1. If you are a straight guy at a gay club looking for girls to dance with....just stop. You're creepy and you're frightening the girls there.

2. If given the opportunity to dance with a drag queen, take it. Always.

3. There is a reason why there are cages for people to dance in: to creepers out.

This requires a short story, Sentry. This guy was dancing in the cage at the club last night. Outside the cage was a man that was just creepy dancing all over the cage on the outside. Moral of the story, the poor boy in the cage was safe by only the fact the man couldn't fit through the bars to get to him.

4. Underwear is a perfectly acceptable outfit to dance in.

5. Lesbians are your best line of defense. Always.

6. Going clubbing without my wife makes me sad :(

Beauty Part 2

Dear Sentry,

I apologize for the long pause between this letter and the previous one. School has been busy and lots of stress decided to attack me all in one go but that's how life is. If it's gonna rain, it'll pour, ha ha!

So since writing the previous letter to you on my thoughts on beauty, I have decided to focus this letter on what is ugly to me. I don't really think you can fully talk about beauty until you address what is ugly, Sentry. I mean, it's all fine and good to discuss what catches and pleases the eye and mind, but how about what doesn't? I think that it's a good idea to talk about what is not appealing in order to better understand yourself. I hope I don't sound cocky or arrogant in this letter, Sentry. It's not my intention to do so or even remotely come across as that.

What is ugly to me has four major characteristics: arrogance, cruelty, vanity, and a certain type of coercion through the use of guilt. Arrogance, vanity, and cruelty are fairly obvious. So I won't dwell on what they are but rather why I find them unattractive. Arrogance and vanity are an emphasis on the self at the expense of those around the person. I find that so ugly because why would I want to be with someone whose only interest is in them? My experience with arrogant and vain people is that they are friends with you for the most part to use you. I find this utterly ugly. Cruelty is something I just don't want to be around. I can forgive accidental or unintentional cruelty but I cannot forgive deliberate cruelty. Such an act by a person ruins any desire on my part to want to be around them, Sentry, or think they are beautiful. I hate cruelty that's intended to cause harm in another person. A cruel person is truly ugly just as an arrogant or a vain person is to me.

The last characteristic requires a bit of explanation. I fully admit that there are people that are victims in this world, Sentry. We all, at times, can be victims in different situations. That is both understandable and expected. I have only compassion and sympathy for victims. However, I find it truly offensive and ugly when someone uses that sympathy or compassion by twisting it into guilt to force another person to pursue a romantic relationship with them. Using things that you dislike about yourself or others have made you feel a victim over to coerce another person into dating you is ugly to me. Whether they understand what they are doing or not, is not important to me, Sentry. I find it repulsive to do that. If I want to date a person, I want to because I think they are beautiful and not out of pity or sympathy. So, that's why I find this one ugly. It's betraying me when a person does that. Unfortunately, I have had people do this to me, Sentry, but thankfully I have learned that I don't want that in my life.

I need to add an asterisk to the previous sentence by saying that I am not one to want to describe a person as ugly. I would rather avoid such descriptions by saying anything but that about the person. But I admit that if I am going to define ugliness, that I have to think I have met people that were truly this, and that I will continue to meet them.

And that's all I want to say on this, Sentry! Have a good night!

Your friend,
Traveler